Do I have to forgive her first?
No. You can care for somebody you have not forgiven.
People act like a hospital bed comes with a forgiveness deadline. It does not. You are allowed to change the sheets on a person who hurt you and still be waiting on an apology that is never coming.
What you do need is a boundary that keeps you from being hurt again in the middle of the caring. That might mean you handle the medications and the money and somebody else handles the intimate care. It might mean you visit with a timer running. It might mean you say the hard thing out loud one time and never again.
Do not let anybody guilt you into a deathbed reconciliation you did not choose. If it comes on its own, let it. If it never comes, you still did right by her, and that counts even if nobody in your family ever says so.
More tough questions
- Is it wrong that I sometimes wish it was over?
- How do I get my brother to actually help?
- Am I allowed to move her into a facility?
- What do I do when she doesn't know who I am?
- How am I supposed to afford this?
- What if I resent her?
- How do I tell my job?
- What happens to me when this is over?
- Why don't I feel anything anymore?