Is it wrong that I sometimes wish it was over?
No. And you are not the first good person to think it in a dark kitchen at two in the morning.
Wishing the suffering would end is not the same as wishing her dead. Wanting your life back is not the same as wanting to lose her. Two things can be true in the same chest at the same time and neither one cancels the other out.
What you are carrying has a name. Anticipatory grief. It shows up long before the funeral and it can last years. It does not mean you love her less. It means you have been holding a body, a household, a calendar and your own fear for a very long time, and some part of you is tired enough to want the weight set down.
Say it out loud to one safe person. It loses about half its power the second it leaves your mouth.
More tough questions
- How do I get my brother to actually help?
- Am I allowed to move her into a facility?
- What do I do when she doesn't know who I am?
- How am I supposed to afford this?
- What if I resent her?
- Do I have to forgive her first?
- How do I tell my job?
- What happens to me when this is over?
- Why don't I feel anything anymore?